There's a stage when "because I'm your father" stops ending the conversation. You've grown up, you have arguments, you want to decide your own things — and, in the middle of that, you hear at church and at the club that you need to honor your father and mother. It seems like a contradiction: how do you respect and disagree at the same time? How do you obey without becoming a child again?
It's not a contradiction. The commandment wasn't written for babies who only know how to obey — it was written, in fact, even for adults who have already left home. Honoring is greater than obeying, and it still counts for a lot long after you stop asking permission to go out.
This article is for the young person, not for the parents. If you're a father or mother looking for how the family accompanies the Pathfinder, see how the family takes part in the club. Here the conversation is with those aged 12 to 18 who want to understand what the Bible, the Pathfinder Law and common sense ask for at home. Content verified on 07/23/2026 against the official sources listed at the end.
Is honoring the same thing as obeying?
No. And understanding the difference resolves half the tension you feel at home.
Obeying is a concrete action: your parents ask for something reasonable and you do it. This weighs more when you're a child and gradually eases as you mature and take on your own responsibilities. It's natural — nobody obeys their parents at 40 the way they obeyed at 8.
Honoring is an attitude, and that one never eases. It's treating your father and your mother with respect, valuing what they do for you, speaking well of them, caring for them when they grow old. You can honor your parents while disagreeing with them — as long as you disagree with respect, and not with contempt. What the commandment forbids is not having a different opinion; it's arrogance, mockery, treating the ones who raised you as an obstacle.
Ellen White describes honor in a way that doesn't fit into "doing what you were told": she speaks of showing appreciation to parents "in a look of tenderness, in loving words, in sincere cooperation." Notice: look, word, cooperation. None of that is blind submission — it's consideration. You can have it while you fight, politely, for more autonomy.
| Obeying | Honoring | |
|---|---|---|
| What it is | Doing what your parents ask | Respecting, valuing and caring |
| Does it change with age? | Yes, it eases as you mature | No, it lasts a lifetime |
| Is disagreeing allowed? | You can argue before deciding | Yes — as long as it's with respect |
| Does it have a limit? | Yes: "in the Lord" (nothing that harms or asks for sin) | The respect, no; the way of expressing it, yes |
Why does this commandment come with a promise attached?
Of the ten commandments, the fifth is the only one that brings a "so that" along with it. It's worth reading slowly.
Exodus 20:12 says: "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you." Centuries later, Paul quotes this same commandment and makes a point of underlining the detail. In Ephesians 6:1-3 he writes: "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with a promise, that it may go well with you and that you may live long on the earth."
Don't read this as a threat — the "respect or die young" kind. It's something else. It's the observation that a life which honors its own origin tends to be a more stable, more whole, more lasting life. Whoever learns early to respect the one who cared for them usually respects bosses, spouse, authority and themselves. The promise describes a path, not a magic contract.
And there's a detail many people skip: Paul writes "in the Lord." He doesn't command obedience to just anything — he commands obedience within what pleases God. That's not a loophole to disobey when you feel lazy; it's a serious protection, which we return to at the end of the article. Hold on to the phrase.
And when you disagree with your parents?
Disagreeing is normal and part of growing up. What changes everything is how you disagree.
There's a way that honors and a way that humiliates. Slamming the door, rolling your eyes, answering with sarcasm, exposing your parents to your friends — none of that settles the matter and it burns your credibility on top. On the other hand, sitting down, listening to their argument to the end and then presenting yours calmly usually opens doors that a tantrum shuts. Parents change their minds too. They just almost never change under attack.
Three attitudes that make a real difference:
- Listen before you fire back. Many arguments at home are about things you didn't even understand properly because you were already formulating your answer while the other person was talking.
- Choose the moment. Asking to talk about a serious matter when your father gets home tired from work is sabotaging your own request. Set up a calm moment.
- Bring a proposal, not just a complaint. "I want more freedom" creates friction. "Can I come back at 10 p.m. if I text you when I leave?" creates negotiation.
And when, even after a good conversation, the answer is still no? That's where the grown-up part comes in: accepting a decision you didn't like, without holding a grudge, is one of the most mature ways to honor. You'll probably be right in some cases and your parents in others. The scoreboard isn't the point. The bond is.
Read alsoPeer pressure: how not to give in to wrong without isolating yourselfWhat does the club have to do with this? The Pathfinder Law
More than it seems. One of the eight points of the Pathfinder Law says, in a short sentence: "Be courteous and obedient." It's not a ceremonial decoration — it's a commitment you make standing up, with your hand raised, before your club.
Notice that the Law joins the two words together. Courteous is good manners in dealing with others: speaking well, giving thanks, respecting those around you. Obedient is accepting the guidance of those who have the responsibility to lead you. And the first place where this is practiced is not at camp — it's at home. It looks strange for a Pathfinder who obeys during close-order drill and treats his own mother with shouting. The Law you recite on Sunday demands consistency on Monday.
There's also a point the club takes seriously: the partnership between club and family. The Pathfinder Club was never meant to replace parents, but to walk alongside them. When you honor your father and your mother, you strengthen that partnership; when you use the club as an escape from home or as a weapon against them, you break it. Director, counselor and instructor are there to add to your family, not to compete with it.
It's worth remembering the Pledge, which you also recite: to live "pure, kind and true." Loyalty starts close by. Being loyal to God and distant at home doesn't add up.
Honoring in practice: gestures that fit into your day
Honor isn't a feeling you wait to arrive — it's a set of small actions. None of them is big. Together, they change the atmosphere of a home.
| Gesture | Why it honors |
|---|---|
| Letting them know where you are and what time you'll be back | Spares your parents the anxiety — which is love disguised as "control" |
| Doing your part at home without being told | Sincere cooperation is the honor Ellen White describes |
| Not speaking badly of your parents to your friends | Honoring includes protecting the image of those who raised you |
| Being thankful for the basics: the food, the ride, the effort | Recognizing what costs dearly and you receive for free |
| Apologizing when you overreacted in your response | Humility is the opposite of the contempt the commandment forbids |
| Asking about their day, not just talking about yours | Interest is the simplest way to say "you matter" |
| Keeping your word without needing to be reminded | Builds the trust that, later on, becomes more freedom |
A tip that works: choose one of those gestures to practice this week, not all seven. Honor built little by little sticks; honor promised all at once after a fight usually lasts two days.
And if the relationship at home has been difficult, start with the easiest on the list. Often a sincere "thank you" unlocks a conversation that months of silence had jammed.
Honor has no expiration date
Here's the part almost no one tells a teenager: this commandment doesn't expire when you turn 18. It counts for a lifetime — it only changes form.
Ellen White is direct about this: the obligation to honor your parents "lasts throughout life," and children's care should grow precisely when parents become old and frail. In other words, the same commandment that today asks you to say what time you'll be back will one day ask you to call every week, to be patient with their slowness, to care for them when the roles reverse. She even puts this care on the level of missionary work — something God values as much as preaching.
Why does this matter now, at 14, at 16? Because it changes the size of the thing. You're not fulfilling some boring rule of adolescence that will soon pass. You're beginning, early, a relationship that will stay with you for decades. The young person who learns to honor today doesn't just become an easier child — they become, later on, an adult who knows how to care, a father or mother whom their own children will want to honor.
There's a sentence that sums it up: the form of honor changes with age, respect never does. And respect, unlike an allowance and permission to go out, is the only thing in this relationship that depends solely on you.
And when obeying would not be the right thing?
We need to be honest about this, because staying silent would be irresponsible. Honoring your father and mother never means obeying something that hurts you or asks you to sin.
Remember the "in the Lord" of Ephesians 6:1? It's there on purpose. Obedience to parents is great, but it's not absolute — it exists within what is right before God. If an adult, whoever they may be, asks you to lie, steal, keep a secret that harms you, or does something that hurts your body or your dignity, that is not covered by the fifth commandment. No one has authority over you for that.
In those cases, honoring stops being "obeying" and becomes seeking protection. Look for a trusted adult: a pastor, the club director, a teacher, a close relative. You are not dishonoring anyone by asking for help in the face of abuse or danger — you're doing exactly what a mature, God-fearing person does. If the situation involves violence, there are official channels for the protection of children and adolescents, such as the Disque 100, which serves in Brazil free of charge and in confidence.
This applies as a safety rule, not as a loophole: the vast majority of arguments at home are about curfew, the phone and chores — and there the way is respect, dialogue and the patience of the chapters above. But if you're reading this because your situation is truly serious, know that asking for help is the right thing, it is safe and it breaks no commandment.